Another reason why i’m not rushing out to buy vista.
Mar
19
I need to first say that i’m not a huge music nut. In fact 99% of the time my truck radio is set to espn or comedy channel ( thank goodness for satellite radio heh ) But there are times when I’m relaxing at home or just driving the backroads when I move the dial or pop in a cd for a few tunes. It’s funny how a song can take you back to a memory or leave you feeling happy or sad for no reason. Most of the songs I really like are songs that remind me of a moment in time. Some are good and some are not so good, but even the not so good ones leave me feeling sort of happy in a way. It leads me to thinking about the choices i’ve made in life and as with the memories there are some good and some bad but overall I think i’ve done pretty well. Music usually brings out those memories of the past and the funny part is that most of the time the song really has nothing to do with the moment. I can listen to a song and maybe one stanza out of the whole thing will trigger that memory. My taste in music is all over the place. From hardcore rap to country and everything in between. If you tried to tell the kind of person I am through my playlists you would be left confused. Two songs really hit home with me tonight. One was “dance with my father again”. It made me think of a very special friend. She is going through a very difficult time at the moment. The second is by Kiss called Beth. Now why that song triggers anything i have no idea but it does. I’m actually in a pretty good mood. I’ve spent last few hours just listening to songs and having an overall good time.
Here is the song Beth by Kiss ( don’t ask me i dunno )
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Mar
13
Looks like things are finally getting back to the way they are supposed to be. Much of the stress associated with my job lately has been alleviated, at least for the time being. I hope things stay that way for awhile. I was right at the breaking point I think. Maybe some of my old eagerness for webdesign will come back and I can make some much needed updates to techgear. I think the global mods I picked are doing an outstanding job. Hopefully they can use it as a launchboard to better things. Over the years there have been a few people that have gained at least a tiny bit of popularity through my site. It’s nice to see them move on to sites for themselves though inevitably that means they don’t have the time for techgear anymore. It’s somewhat bittersweet but i’m still proud of them. I’ve been in a real funk lately. I think i maybe leaving that behind me. I’ve got to work harder on furthering my friendships. I’m still a bit of a mystery when it comes to my friends, even my close ones. I don’t try to be. I guess I just don’t open myself up much. I prefer to listen to others and their problems than tell my own. I’ve always been a loner and have kept my problems to myself to work out. I really hate asking anyone for help. Even though I’ve had family, relationships, and friends, i’ve always felt really alone. I don’t know why that is either. One of the few times that I feel whole is when i’m with my kids. They are my purpose and the only true love i think i’ve ever known. I guess I’m a bit of a sap, I still hope that love is like the love you see in movies and hear in love songs. Maybe that’s why i’ve failed in love. My expectations are unreal. If it wasn’t for my kids i would really wonder if i had a heart. I am the typical big ole country boy. I have a big heart but you don’t want to push me. I find it odd that when i’m out with people i’m usually in the mix for the center of attention yet i do not seek out friendships. I sort of take them as they come. It’s not that I try to push people away, I just do not try too hard to hold on to them. Why is that? lol someone tell me because I don’t know. I would love to have a ton of friends but i just don’t think I will ever be a part of a large group of friends. I just can’t put my finger on why. I’m a pretty witty guy, i bathe pretty regularly, and i’m reasonably good looking ( at least i don’t think people barf when they look at me ), yet i’m usually sitting at home alone. It’s not that i’m shy. I actually like who I am and don’t really care what people think of me. I do have a hard time reading people when it comes to how they feel towards me. Many times i’m left wondering. Maybe that’s what it is. Maybe it’s the whole fear of rejection thing. If i don’t get close to people they can’t reject me or let me down. Might be on to something there. Oh well, i’m a bit tired of typing and Patton is on so i think i’ll wrap this up.
Current Mood
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