err0r.net

Looks like things are finally getting back to the way they are supposed to be. Much of the stress associated with my job lately has been alleviated, at least for the time being. I hope things stay that way for awhile. I was right at the breaking point I think. Maybe some of my old eagerness for webdesign will come back and I can make some much needed updates to techgear. I think the global mods I picked are doing an outstanding job. Hopefully they can use it as a launchboard to better things. Over the years there have been a few people that have gained at least a tiny bit of popularity through my site. It’s nice to see them move on to sites for themselves though inevitably that means they don’t have the time for techgear anymore. It’s somewhat bittersweet but i’m still proud of them. I’ve been in a real funk lately. I think i maybe leaving that behind me. I’ve got to work harder on furthering my friendships. I’m still a bit of a mystery when it comes to my friends, even my close ones. I don’t try to be. I guess I just don’t open myself up much. I prefer to listen to others and their problems than tell my own. I’ve always been a loner and have kept my problems to myself to work out. I really hate asking anyone for help. Even though I’ve had family, relationships, and friends, i’ve always felt really alone. I don’t know why that is either. One of the few times that I feel whole is when i’m with my kids. They are my purpose and the only true love i think i’ve ever known. I guess I’m a bit of a sap, I still hope that love is like the love you see in movies and hear in love songs. Maybe that’s why i’ve failed in love. My expectations are unreal. If it wasn’t for my kids i would really wonder if i had a heart. I am the typical big ole country boy. I have a big heart but you don’t want to push me. I find it odd that when i’m out with people i’m usually in the mix for the center of attention yet i do not seek out friendships. I sort of take them as they come. It’s not that I try to push people away, I just do not try too hard to hold on to them. Why is that? lol someone tell me because I don’t know. I would love to have a ton of friends but i just don’t think I will ever be a part of a large group of friends. I just can’t put my finger on why. I’m a pretty witty guy, i bathe pretty regularly, and i’m reasonably good looking ( at least i don’t think people barf when they look at me ), yet i’m usually sitting at home alone. It’s not that i’m shy. I actually like who I am and don’t really care what people think of me. I do have a hard time reading people when it comes to how they feel towards me. Many times i’m left wondering. Maybe that’s what it is. Maybe it’s the whole fear of rejection thing. If i don’t get close to people they can’t reject me or let me down. Might be on to something there. Oh well, i’m a bit tired of typing and Patton is on so i think i’ll wrap this up.

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